Two years ago… and trying to accept the now.

Around this time two years ago I had a hysterectomy – specifically, I had  TAHBSO (which stands for Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo-Oopherectomy – in other words, a clear out of all the girly bits).  I was in all sorts of mess with endometriosis and adhesions before the surgery, and I can say that without a doubt it was the Right Thing To Do.

(It’s been very interesting for me to go back and read posts from around then – I have such a bad memory these days that I am constantly surprised by stuff that I *should* have remembered I already knew!

Mr Beloved (aka The TeaBot 5000™) often quotes this little piece of Kipling to me:

‘In August was the jackal born;
The Rains fell in September;
“Now such a fearful flood as this,”
Says he, “I can’t remember!”’

It’s from “The Undertakers” in The Second Jungle Book, if you care to know the exact attribution.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one who reacts to the question “Do you like Kipling?” with the standard response “I don’t know, I’ve never Kippelled!” )

AHEM!

But that is not the point I was trying to make in this post.  Hang on a tic, I’ll try and remember what that WAS…

AH, yes.  One thing that I wasn’t told (or if I was I don’t remember – see above…) is that post-hysterectomy your body shape changes FOREVER.  The way fat deposits (ugh) distribute themselves change irrevocably.  I changed from being (relatively) thinner than I am now although still big all over, to someone with a definite APPLE shape (and bigger all over.)

Of course, putting back on all the weight I worked so hard to lose (and then some) hasn’t helped.  Being on two different medicat1ons that are both known to increase weight (one to the point where the manufacturer has been successfully SUED in the USA because “in fact, Ser0quel can more than TRIPLE a patient’s risk of developing diabetes” – that hasn’t helped either.

(found by the ever helpful Mr Beloved)

And please, do NOT tell me “calories in equals calories out” and tell me I need to exercise, because that’s BULLSHIT.  When you add in the problems with the medic1nes and throw in some depress1on, it’s no longer so simple.

Me, in Simplicity pattern 2981, September 2008

That was me three years ago.  Thirty or so kg lighter than I am now.  I just want to CRY when I see that picture – I am miserable being this big, and feeling powerless about it.  Yes, I can modify my diet (cutting out all sugar again for a start – I ate birthday cake at scrapping this week because 2 dear friends are celebrating their birthdays this weekend, and the resulting sugar crash saw me snoozing on the couch with an afghan and a pillow…) and yes, I can make an effort to exercise (especially since this is the last weekend of Winter, at least by the calendar, if not by the actual climate!) when I have the energy (ha!  WHEN might that be, I wonder? Because lately I feel rather wrung out all the time).

I am working hard with my Helpful Psychologist on Acceptance Commitment Therapy – and part of that is learning to be okay with how things are NOW.  (And working towards changing things that are not in line with my values, eg – I value my health, so I want to be healthier than I am now, so finding ways to do that.)

But I have to admit I don’t want to show you a photo of what I look like today, because it’s too damn depressing.  I’m sick of wearing the same clothes all the time (one of my two pairs of ginormous jeans, and a black top – the only variation is whether the top has long or short sleeves, and my one pair of sneakers).

The sewing room is still unusable – it’s still full of flood refugees (boxes of books etc) from the shed/studio.  Even if I do excavate it, I’m now so big that I doubt there are sewing patterns (apart from TENTS) to fit me.

Clearly, a solution must be found…

  1. Leggings to be bought, cute shoes to be bought, big tops to be made/bought to get me through this… possibly sewing some things from this book if I can get it (you make the patterns in it drafted based on measurements – I can do that)
  2. Cut out sugar (again – I tried it earlier this year and felt better for it)
  3. Find some way of exercising that doesn’t involve walking around my (not very nice) neighbourhood and yet doesn’t cost the earth.  The last gym I tried was not a success – not least because the personal trainer I paid for made me feel like a useless fatty fat fat blob – and hell, I don’t need to PAY someone to make me feel bad!)

So.  There are some directions there.  Suggestions welcome (but please, be kind…)