So.   Didn’t go to my group of scrapbooking friends today- called them up  tearfully and said I wasn’t doing well, was worried that I might end up in the ward today – that’s how overwrought I was about these damn obsessive thoughts and anxiety symtoms (jaw clenching leading to neck-aches, worse back pain and fibromyalgia pain, and my usual gastro symptoms, which are SUCH fun…)

Got in to see my Very Helpful Psychiatrist today (suspect I stole some of her lunch time, she’s amazing at squeezing people in for emergency appointments) and with Mr Beloved by my side and my helpful notebook of what happened when (symptoms and med1cation changes) we worked through what was going on.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!  Relief!!

Yes, of course your anxiety symptoms are worse, what with every thing that’s been going on with your brother and your family being so far away and the university application but guess what?  We can increase the med1cation we were in the process of changing, and that will help with anxiety, sleep, and pain.  Of course as a responsible psychiatrist I won’t let you get addicted to the anxi0lytics.  And you know what work you have to do psychologically to make room for these FEELINGS, yes?

Yes.

I do.  (Arrgh.  Hard work… needs to be done.  Good that I am seeing the Helpful Psychologist tomorrow.)

And from next week the Very Helpful Psychiatrist will have a Mental Health Nurse on staff (covered by medicare) so for these sort of crises I can see the Nurse and save the (expensive and time-precious) visits to the VHP for more crucial things like med1cation changes and BIG crises.

(and I also now know that if the anxi0lytic doesn’t work that in an emergency I can take another one within about half an hour.  Good to know. )

In other news, I got my transcript in the mail today from waaaaaaaaaaay back when I studied at the Australian National University.  But that’s a story for another day.

And Gordy is doing well, has his AICD implanted yesterday, still in hospital today.

But I finally got my “personal statement describing the way in which your education has been adversely affected by your condition, disability or disorder” written as part of my QTAC application.  That was very draining, too, having to explain why I’ve failed not completed previous attempts to study…

All that after a night of very little sleep.  I ended up taking an anxi0lytic at around 3 am, and was still bothered by obsessive (but not dangerous) thoughts… they were so bad that they even intruded during the guided mindfulness meditation I was listening to – so I did the whole 20 minute mindfulness exercise over AGAIN, and finally got a couple of hours sleep.

I’ve managed to make an appointment to see my psych1atrist on Thursday… on the recommendation of the Dr at group today.  Hmmmm.

Then I see my psych0logist on Friday and I’m probably asking her to write a supporting letter for my QTAC application and then I can send it those next parts IN!   The latest update on the QTAC site says that I have met the minimum course requirements for the courses I have chosen (but that is not a guarantee of an offer of a place.)

So. Very. Tired.

Haven’t called Mum and Dad yet to get an update on Gordy… will do that next.

Meanwhile, I’m back from the doctors, having had to jump through hoops for bureaucracy – which it then turns out we didn’t need to jump through until APRIL.  (GRRR!  Damn the lack of clear information from the government on this issue!)  My poor GP was politely frustrated and I felt dreadful, but at least I can use some of the documentation to support my QTAC application – we didn’t have time to get to writing a supporting letter.  Luckily I had already booked another long appointment for a fortnight’s time…

Part of the forms we filled out today required a scored assessment – in this case, a short form version called a DASS-21, which measures depression, anxiety and stress over the last week.  Trouble is, it doesn’t have any way of taking into account life circumstances like, say, YOUR BROTHER HAVING A CARDIAC ARREST.

My scores were rather high.

To add to the general merriment, I’ve been changing my med1cati0ns, always a fun fun FUN thing to do.  On the plus side, my appetite has been drastically and suddenly reduced as I’ve tapered off from the ser0quel.  Remember me ranting about how miserable it was making me, how the never ending need to eateateateat was making things so much worse? At least now I have a psychiatr1st who understood how very distressing that was and how important it is to lose the we1ght!

But the anxiety and panic are also very real and although I think I’ve coped remarkably well with what’s been going on in the last week, I am tired.

And my thyro1d is wonky again, but my GP and I are working on tweaking the med1cati0n for that, which should also help with the we1ght loss and the you know, thingummy whatsit… MEMORY!!

I write stuff down. A lot!

But in GOOD news – he’s talking, he’s able to give directions (to the Korean food shops at the Central Markets in Adelaide so Mum and Dad could pick up some bibimbap (also seen on the cover of this month’s SBS “Feast” Magazine)  for Ju- because comfort food when you’re exhausted is a Good Thing.  Gordy can move his arms and legs, too, which is a Big Thing. These are amazingly hopeful signs, given what the outcomes could have been.

Latest report I had this morning, he was slightly better, having had stronger antibiotics overnight, and was able to clear some of the muck from his lungs.

So he’s still in the ICU for now.

And now to the rain.

It’s been wet and miserable for a few days now.  And we do get nervous when the weather bureau starts issuing severe weather warnings… after the floods in January last year, nobody believes any more that “Toowoomba never floods (it’s on top of the range).” So as I’m writing this in the warm, dry shed/studio, poor Mr Beloved is out in the pouring rain ensuring that it stays that way: he’s installing a “make-do” sandbag system (an old tarp and lots of dirt) and some big pieces of timber which will help to divert water away from the doors.

Not pretty, but should do the job...

(The rain is already pooling in the short time between getting this far and Mr Beloved having a break while I took a photo…)

Paranoid? Perhaps.  We like to think of it as being prepared.  Places not that far to the west and south of Toowoomba have already had rainfalls in excess of 200 mm this week.  The ground is already soggy, and that’s exactly the sort of conditions last year that lead to all the run-off from what felt like the entire hill ending up in our yard…  The Bureau of Meteorology reports Toowoomba had just over 25mm of rain (that’s an inch) overnight, and even though the official rain gauge at the airport is currently showing only 0.8 mm since 9am, we know that’s not an accurate measure of how much rain OUR house gets.  I can guarantee that the dog got more rain on her than that in the journey between house and shed!

Let’s hope we’re being overly pessimistic, and that the rain stops soon.  There are very few days when I wish for a clothes dryer – weeks like this though…

He’s still in the ICU, but is breathing without the respirator.  He broke his partial plate when he fell and aspirated a tooth (ouch!) BUT luckily has managed to cough it up!  He has a chest infection (not uncommon after a cardiac arrest and CPR and all the hospital intervention that is so necessary afterwards, not to mention the tooth) and is still very groggy (understandably!) but is responding well to commands.

Eunju is very pleased with his progress (and she knows her stuff.)  It’s very early days yet, obviously, but he’ll move from the ICU to the cardiology ward soon.

Far too early to know what’s happened neurologically, they’re not even sure if he can swallow on his own yet.. but we’re hopeful.

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So now we just wait.  Have I mentioned that their son, 20 year old university student Huneal Hanneul[sorry, kiddo, your Aunty can't spell!] (he’s studying mining engineering and is doing very well, we’re so proud) is being brilliant – driving Mum and Dad to the hospital, going housework, and so on?

I wish I could be over there to help, but there’s really not much I could do.  I am determined to get over to Adelaide SOON to see him, but only if it’s not going to make more work for everyone.

Gordon in Leeton in May, 2009

We’re all very grateful that there were at least two doctors who are fans of The Hillbilly Hoot  (a weekly gathering of musos and fans at Adelaide’s Community Radio Station 3D). From the reading I’ve been doing (I’m certainly no expert) the sooner CPR is done after a cardiac arrest the better the chances of the patient’s survival and recovery.  And he had GOOD CPR – but even lousy CPR is better than none. (Do you really need me to provide the references? I can – study after study has shown it.  If you have ANY doubts, and someone is not breathing and has no heartbeat – START CPR.  Get help as soon as you can because the breathing part is hard to keep up on your own, but just do it!!)

Those are the words I woke up to at eight o’clock this morning.  Swimming up to the surface, fearing the worst, but so relieved to hear “He’s in the ICU…”

Gordy had a heart attack heart failure last night. [updated after  I spoke with Mum and Dad this evening.  The difference is - his heart just stopped.  Not a blockage - just STOPPED.]

Fortunately, he was somewhere where there were a couple of doctors (if I heard Mum right on the slightly fuzzy connection [yes, I did, two doctors!]) who started CPR straight away; the ambulance only took five minutes to reach him, and he was admitted to intensive care in one of the best hospitals in South Australia [Royal Adelaide].  He’s in an induced coma [on a ventilator] and they’re keeping him cool; they don’t know yet if there will be any brain damage. [The ICU doctors are going to start warming him up again overnight, about 24 hours after they started cooling him.

A quick Google search shows why the ICU cooled Gordy: "The American Heart Association (AHA) issued recommendations for cooling cardiac arrest patients for up to 24 hours as far back as 2005. However, critical care physician Peter Marshall, MD, says only about 10 percent of hospitals offer it even though it is proven effective, more patients recover function than in the past and spend less time in the hospital."  That was from a 2010 article from the Yale School of Medicine, "Putting the patient 'on ice' can make a lifesaving difference".]

He is reacting to the sound of his partner, Eunju’s, voice, so that has to be a good sign.  I refer to her with great admiration as “Super Nurse” because she trained as an Intensive Care specialist nurse before she took on an echocardiography traineeship when Gordy was diagnosed with heart issues a few years back.  And apparently she was planning on studying mental health and diabetes specialisations this year – see what I mean – super nurse!  So there’s really no one better to have by your side.  And I know she’s a HUGE comfort to Mum and Dad.

I’ll fly to Adelaide if I’m needed but at this stage there’s really not much anyone outside the ICU can do.

Just hope for a good outcome.  He’s 39.  He’s my brother and he’s a very cool bloke.

Well it’s been an interesting day!

Firstly, I went out to the university for my appointment with the Disabilities Resources Coordinator.  She was very helpful, but I’m sort of doing things in the wrong order – it was better to grab the appointment with her while I could.  She made lots of notes about the changes to exam conditions I would need – can you believe that with all the technology available during term time, they insist that exams are HAND WRITTEN? How retro!  (I can understand why they do it – obviously you can’t let a student have access to their computer during a “closed book” exam, especially on a wireless access campus – but for most students I imagine it would be the only time all year they are required to actually write with a pen and paper.  The poor lecturers probably struggle to read the illegible scrawls that result.)

I, however, physically CANNOT write for two hours – my hands swell up if I try to write for more than about 10 minutes.  Just one of the little joys of my particular f1bromyalgia.  Yay.  Nor can I sit without moving for long periods.  I need to get up and stretch, walk around, take medicat10n… and so on.

There were other considerations – needing extra thinking time for exams (becuase of the muddleheadedness medicat10ns bring), being provided with a (blank, not connected to anything) computer so I could type exams, form letters in case I needed extensions of time to complete assignments.

Then I came home and filled in my QTAC online application.  As far as I could, anyway – I have a dozen pages more of forms that I need to supply as additional documentation: I have to write a statement explaining how my illness has affected my previous study; I need supporting letters from at least one of my doctors, and I need certified copies of transcripts from my previous attempts at study.  KerCHING$$ ouch!  The one from the local TAFE wasn’t bad – $13, and the Australian National University in Canberra was $15, but it HURT to have to send Charles Sturt University (which waaaaaaaaaaay back in the dim distant dark ages when I Knew Everything Because I Was a TEENAGER  was the  Riverina Murray Institute of Higher Education) $50 to get a piece of paper showing the subjects I FAILED.  OWWWWWWIE!

It’s also quite confronting having to say “Well, yes, I did try to study before, but welll.. you see, the first time I was a teenager ( and so I thought I knew EVERYTHING and I left uni to get married (and hooo boy that one was a big mistake); then I went back to uni again but that time I got really sick with glandular fever which eventually became fibromyalgia and I spent years in bed and the depression got bad; and then the LAST time I tried studying was not long before I got my actual official Bipolar diagnosis (and gosh, didn’t that explain a LOT of what had been going on….) but hey, please let me have another crack at it, this time I’m at least aware of my limitations?

Anyway.  Nearly time to go work out what to make for dinner…

Anyway.  Walking along…

All of a sudden, I wasn’t.

I was on the floor.

Ouch.

Managed to land without breaking anything, just a grazed elbow, bruised right hip, and somehow put my jaw out of whack again (How?!).

As I was doing the turtle-scramble of getting to my knees to push myself to my feet, a kind older lady with a walking cane in her shopping trolley came to help me, got me to hang on to her trolley and guided me over to the nearest seat, while I tearfully explained it was probably the change in medicat10n and she sympathised that it happened to her because of inner ear problems “but I doubt I could have got up on my own, dear, we’d still be waiting for four strong men to come and help!”

(This is the second time I have been in distress at this same mall. And the second time that an older woman has been the ONLY PERSON who has stopped to see if I needed help.  Nobody else stopped, other people just walked past.  Hard NOT to draw the inference that it’s older women who pick up the pieces, isn’t it?!)

Maybe I should work on my balance....

I sat for a little while, phoned Mr Beloved to let him know what had happened and settle myself, and then got on with the shopping.

I’m not sure why I fell over.  Could be the medicat10n change – I’m definitely feeling a bit wonky lately.  Then again, the pa1n itself (neur0path1c pa1n from my back injury as well as f1br0myalg1a) or the pa1nk1llers can make you a bit unsteady, too.  I see my GP on the 30th and hopefully we’ll have time (after filling in a huge bit of government paperwork so I can see my psych0l0gist for 10 appointments this year) to discuss what’s going on.

In any case I think I won’t be driving by myself until we get this sorted out, which is frustrating.  And I’ll call the psychiatrist tomorrow to make an appointment just to be on the safe side – she’s very up to date on medicat10ns and s1de effects,  and I’ll need her to fill in a form for the university stuff anyway…

And now off to think about dinner.