Two years ago… and trying to accept the now.

Around this time two years ago I had a hysterectomy – specifically, I had  TAHBSO (which stands for Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo-Oopherectomy – in other words, a clear out of all the girly bits).  I was in all sorts of mess with endometriosis and adhesions before the surgery, and I can say that without a doubt it was the Right Thing To Do.

(It’s been very interesting for me to go back and read posts from around then – I have such a bad memory these days that I am constantly surprised by stuff that I *should* have remembered I already knew!

Mr Beloved (aka The TeaBot 5000™) often quotes this little piece of Kipling to me:

‘In August was the jackal born;
The Rains fell in September;
“Now such a fearful flood as this,”
Says he, “I can’t remember!”’

It’s from “The Undertakers” in The Second Jungle Book, if you care to know the exact attribution.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one who reacts to the question “Do you like Kipling?” with the standard response “I don’t know, I’ve never Kippelled!” )


But that is not the point I was trying to make in this post.  Hang on a tic, I’ll try and remember what that WAS…

AH, yes.  One thing that I wasn’t told (or if I was I don’t remember – see above…) is that post-hysterectomy your body shape changes FOREVER.  The way fat deposits (ugh) distribute themselves change irrevocably.  I changed from being (relatively) thinner than I am now although still big all over, to someone with a definite APPLE shape (and bigger all over.)

Of course, putting back on all the weight I worked so hard to lose (and then some) hasn’t helped.  Being on two different medicat1ons that are both known to increase weight (one to the point where the manufacturer has been successfully SUED in the USA because “in fact, Ser0quel can more than TRIPLE a patient’s risk of developing diabetes” – that hasn’t helped either.

(found by the ever helpful Mr Beloved)

And please, do NOT tell me “calories in equals calories out” and tell me I need to exercise, because that’s BULLSHIT.  When you add in the problems with the medic1nes and throw in some depress1on, it’s no longer so simple.

Me, in Simplicity pattern 2981, September 2008

That was me three years ago.  Thirty or so kg lighter than I am now.  I just want to CRY when I see that picture – I am miserable being this big, and feeling powerless about it.  Yes, I can modify my diet (cutting out all sugar again for a start – I ate birthday cake at scrapping this week because 2 dear friends are celebrating their birthdays this weekend, and the resulting sugar crash saw me snoozing on the couch with an afghan and a pillow…) and yes, I can make an effort to exercise (especially since this is the last weekend of Winter, at least by the calendar, if not by the actual climate!) when I have the energy (ha!  WHEN might that be, I wonder? Because lately I feel rather wrung out all the time).

I am working hard with my Helpful Psychologist on Acceptance Commitment Therapy – and part of that is learning to be okay with how things are NOW.  (And working towards changing things that are not in line with my values, eg – I value my health, so I want to be healthier than I am now, so finding ways to do that.)

But I have to admit I don’t want to show you a photo of what I look like today, because it’s too damn depressing.  I’m sick of wearing the same clothes all the time (one of my two pairs of ginormous jeans, and a black top – the only variation is whether the top has long or short sleeves, and my one pair of sneakers).

The sewing room is still unusable – it’s still full of flood refugees (boxes of books etc) from the shed/studio.  Even if I do excavate it, I’m now so big that I doubt there are sewing patterns (apart from TENTS) to fit me.

Clearly, a solution must be found…

  1. Leggings to be bought, cute shoes to be bought, big tops to be made/bought to get me through this… possibly sewing some things from this book if I can get it (you make the patterns in it drafted based on measurements – I can do that)
  2. Cut out sugar (again – I tried it earlier this year and felt better for it)
  3. Find some way of exercising that doesn’t involve walking around my (not very nice) neighbourhood and yet doesn’t cost the earth.  The last gym I tried was not a success – not least because the personal trainer I paid for made me feel like a useless fatty fat fat blob – and hell, I don’t need to PAY someone to make me feel bad!)

So.  There are some directions there.  Suggestions welcome (but please, be kind…)


10 Replies to “Two years ago… and trying to accept the now.”

  1. Caity, I can identify with your weight problem, and I do sympathize – it’s a long, slow, hard business, losing weight. What I’ve found –
    any kind of movement counts to burn calories – standing up is better than sitting down, housework (ugh) counts too. I keep a timer set, and every hour I get up and do something, the dishes, walk to the letterbox or around the house – do you have room to make a path around your house/yard?
    Could you drive with Constance to a nearby open space, and walk her there? Is there a swimming pool somewhere nearby?
    I also counted calories religiously at first, using a handy little book I got from – it lists the calories/kilojoules in absolutely everything! I wrote down everything that went in my mouth. And because I can’t walk much, I had to get down to 1000 calories a day to make a difference.
    Hope this helps a little bit!

    1. Marice, thanks for that. I am going to try the little timer thing, and now the weather is nicer Miss Constance J. Woodle will be going to the parks around Toowoomba I think.

      Thank you for listening (reading!) my rant and being helpful!

      I had forgotten (arrgh!) all about Calorie King – I will go and re -register with them. Even just writing down what I eat helps, I find since you can\’t \”forget\” that you\’ve already eaten your biscuit for the day! 1000 calories a day is a TEENY amount though – yikes!! I am also going to dig out my folder of info that I used when I *did* lose 20 or so kg (with Wesley Weight Management) but there\’s no way I\’m going to do any of those stupid shakes or \”diet\” meals – aren\’t they silly!! And sad to say, if Jenny Craig et al really did work long term for everyone, they\’d be out of business.

      So yep – slow and steady – and again – thank you so much for listening and responding, I do appreciate it!

  2. I had a similar experience of weight gain after major abdominal surgery. It wasn’t a hysterectomy but it definitely changed something about the way my body stores fat. For me, it was over 15 years ago but I can say with assurance that my metabolism changed drastically after that surgery.

    I don’t have any answers because I haven’t lost the weight. So I don’t know what works. When you bring meds into the equation, I’m sure that takes away even more of your control over metabolism and hormonal levels, etc.

    I can say that avoiding sugar and refined foods–that’s the most significant change I’ve made–is resulting in a higher energy level for me.

    1. Ms M, glad to know it\’s not just me…I am keeping away from the sugar and refined foods as much as I can – luckily I have a thing for Granny Smith apples at the moment so that helps! I wish there was some sort of answer – as I noted in my post, doctors who make unhelpful trite comments like \”calories in equals calories out\” really are missing the point that the human body is NOT a simple thing!
      Thanks for taking the time to comment – muchly appreciated!

  3. That’s a tough one. I went on a special diet several years ago for back and joint pain. It took away the pain and a lot of pounds but it was so hard to stick with. No meat, dairy or fat! That eliminates almost anything that tastes good but it did work and I may have to do it again. The pounds and the pains have snuck on back. Aargh. And now, at 57 I find it’s really hard to lose anything. A year ago, I’d eat two McDonald’s McDouble hamburgers (minus cheese) and now I eat just one and only about 2 times a month. I’ve cut down on everything but can’t drip a pound. So I commiserate with you. The only thing I can recommend is lots of fibrous foods as they keep you full when you cut back on portion size, meat and fat and to eat things like Angel cake or meringue cookies over fattier versions. Upping exercise is also a tough one. My son says to put one foot out the door and make the other one follow it but that’s easier said than done. I live in the desert of Arizona, U.S. and I am afraid of the snakes and coyotes. I know, I walk in the middle of the road but I have developed a fear of them and can’t walk anymore (losing one dog and almost another to rattlesnakes kind of makes you a bit afraid). So exercise is not done much. Besides, it gets harder the older we get. The young people don’t understand that but they will. At any rate, I do feel for you. Let’s get making some art and forget about this for a little while is my real way of thinking. (Sometimes I get so caught up I forget about eating – now that’s the way to go).

    1. No meat, dairy or fat – arrrgh!! No wonder it was hard to stick with! Yep, I\’m doing lots of \”stealth\” veges – anywhere I can add more veges/fibre to bulk up the meal, I do. It is soooo frustrating though, isn\’t it!

      YAY for arting together online – I do sometimes get caught up in too and then think \”Hmm, why am I dizzy?!\”! Onwards, eh!!

  4. I hear you and I can totally relate – in my case no surgery, just the medication with the weight gain side effects – so far 15kg in 9 months :O( Looking forward to sharing an art journey with you via Supplies Me. Sending hugs,

    1. Thanks, Kate! We\’ll get so caught up in art making we\’ll forget to eat (But we will get up and walk) – how\’s that for a plan while we\’re arting in the Supplies Me workshop! Hugs back!

  5. Caity – though I haven’t gone through what you have, I know how you feel. My hormones went berserk on me several years ago and I don’t recognize the body I’m in anymore. I love that photo about the Special K ad – I’m going to have to snag that, it’s brilliant! I see that we are on Tangie’s Caravan together as well (though I’m woefully behind this year), and now we’re both in Jane’s class – boy we are some creative ladies! See you in class!

    1. G\’day Cindi! I don\’t think I\’ve even bought any thing from Tangie\’s caravan in months – arrgh – not enough hours in the day to do everything, are there!? Yep, hormones are a real bummer – I\’m heading to the doctor this week and part of the consult will be about finding a way to get them slightly more under control, I hope!

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