Ugh.

I don’t know what went wrong on Wednesday but I didn’t sleep.

At all.

All night.

Which is a scary thing for me because not sleeping can lead to a manic episode.  Which I Do Not Want. It’s kind of a circular thing, too – the not sleeping can be a symptom as well as a cause…

By 10:30 last night I still hadn’t slept and was so panicked and freaked out that I ended up taking a valium – and even then poor Mr Beloved had to come and be my Sensible, as I had absolutely no sensible left myself.  He made a steam inhalation to help my blocked nose, told me the right things about my CPAP mask (which has been freaking me out for no apparent reason lately) and held my hand until I got to sleep.

I think it started with having to take more asthma medicine – it’s been cold and very smoky at nights.   I’ve changed puffers, and even though the pharmacist tells me that the two products come off the same production line and have the same active ingredient, I am convinced there is SOMETHING different in Ventolin.  Asmol *tastes* different – if you gave me a puff of one and then the other I could tell you which was which. Right now I don’t care if it’s purely a placebo effect, I just know Ventolin is working better for me.  (And thank you to my friend Tammy Gamble in Wagga for telling me that she has better success with Ventolin, too.) Shame it’s twice the price.. (it won’t be once I see my GP on Monday and get a prescription.)

And I don’t think Asmol reacted well with the Bipolar medications (or perhaps just the Bipolar itself.)  It’s hard to tell whether the asthma makes me agitated (as my psychologist reminded me in a very useful session this morning,  you’re SUPPOSED to panic if you can’t breathe – that’s a hard wired survival mechanism!) or if it’s the medicine to treat the asthma that’s caused the problem.

Around this time last year I was recovering from having a septoplasty and tonsillectomy and I was having terrible anxiety and panic attacks then, too.  Interesting.

So I’m re-reading the book that helps –

The Happiness Trap

and working on mindfulness.

And now it’t Friday night – home made pizza for tea, and Coast on SBS, then I watch Season 7 of So You Think You Can Dance.  And if I need a valium tonight I’ll take it, but I’m hoping to use other skills instead.  We’ll see.