This makes me SOOO MAD

From (fashmag) Grazia:

She once described herself as “a chubby English girl who didn’t fit in anywhere” and told her parents she’d rather be called ugly than fat.

[their bold]

But Kelly Osbourne has hit back in spectacular style, slimming down from more than 76kg to just 50kg.

Her victory was complete last week when she fitted into a sample-size dress given to her by her favourite designer, Betsey Johnson.

… But friends are concerned that the 25-year-old has taken her weight loss too far and could be reverting to her old, dangerous ways to stay super-slim.

She has previously battled addictions to prescription pills and alcohol, and there are concerns she may have replaced those habits with a reliance on diet pills and an exercise obsession.

“Kelly always said she hated skinny girls who could only ever talk about their weight – and she used to say she would never become a slave to being thin – but that’s exactly what’s happened,” says a friend.

WHY does this make me mad? Because it’s simultaneously APPLAUDING dangerous behaviour and making it seem like it’s the right thing to do.

Ok, Kelly Osbourne is a teeny little short girl, (5’2″, apparently) so 50 kg  (110lbs) is probably not dangerously thin for her size.  (I’d suggest it’s on the lower end of what would be healthy, though.)  So what am I to make of suggestions that at my height, 5’6″, I should weigh between 123 (nearly 56kg) and 154 lbs(nearly 70kgs), with an “ideal weight” of 139 lbs (63kg). The lowest figure there is almost HALF of what I weigh now.  Is it any wonder I despair?

I don’t want my entire LIFE to be about dieting and food obsession,  yet that’s what society wants me to do.  I’ve embraced the self-hatred required to call myself a fatso, fatty fat fat, and to let my weight make me miserable for a significant part of every day.  Some days I feel like the only way society will ever acknowledge me as A WINNNER ! is if I somehow miraculously beat the odds and reach that elusive number on the scale.

I’m not looking forward to my psychiatrist appointment this week.  While the psychiatrist is not thin, she is also NOT HELPFUL about the drug caused weight gain.  Last time she actually told me about how successful her daughter had been on Weight Watchers (which is one of the living HELLS to me – if they’re so damn successful, why is it that everyone keeps having to go back? Hmmm? Don’t get me started on the $$$$ of WW).  She also suggested SURGERY!! Really? Why would I do that to myself?  I am still in shock two months later at her suggesting that, by the way.  But I can’t go to another psychiatrist because they’re like hen’s teeth.

At least my psychologist tends to be more understanding, but I’m still not looking forward to it.  I don’t know why I made the appointments for consecutive days – the only thing worse would be to see them both on the one day.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!


2 Replies to “This makes me SOOO MAD”

  1. Dear Caity,

    The photos are gorgeous! You have such a lovely smile! Good luck at the Psychiatrist. I am very lucky with my dr, he is very compassionate.

    kisses,

    Marion

  2. Hi Caity. I was just looking through creative type person blogs, and found yours…I love the book cover.

    I wanted to maybe give you hope, or maybe you’ve heard it all before, but I’m 5’7, and I used to be about 84 kg. I’m now 58 kg. I didn’t go on a crazy diet, or exercise till I dropped, but I did have to change my thinking about food. I had to stop looking at it as a treat or reward or a pleasure(I LOVE FOOD!), and start thinking about it as something that nourished my body. I didn’t have an obsession about being thin, but I did have a fear of getting sick, with diabetes, which runs in my family, or something worse, and I constantly battled depression…(I think it comes with the artistic personality, lol) so I started focusing on my health. I ate smaller meals, but more often, so I wasn’t always hungry. I had to learn how to cook healthy food in a flavourful way, but with the internet and a million recipes at my fingertips, it wasn’t too hard. I stayed away from white flour and anything deep fried, and allowed myself a small piece of dark chocolate every day when that sweet craving hit, and I decided my dog needed a walk a day. After brisk walking, when I stopped getting so winded and started building some lung power, I’d jog a few steps at a time, till I got winded and had to stop. Then I’d just walk. But every day I felt a little stronger, and every day I had a bit more energy. So soon I was able to jog a little farther. I never overdid it. I really started to enjoy my time away from the kids and husband. Just me and my dog. I started to crave it. I definitely didn’t lift weights or do push-ups, I’m way too lazy for that! LOL! But after about three months, I could jog continuously for about half an hour. Now, four years later, I quite commonly run 10 km a day. Usually just 6, but on high energy days, I go farther. It is amazing to feel so strong, and so light, and I can eat a steak dinner every night and not gain weight. And I didn’t do it to be thin, but the result is the same! It’s better than any drugs. It’s almost completely cured my depression. I still have a bit of a problem when it rains too much, but hey…I’ll take it. I feel so good I can’t imagine ever going back to the way I was. I didn’t diet, take any drugs, or follow any strict regimen. I just listened to my body, what I felt it was capable of, and challenged it, just a bit. It took a while, but it was worth it.

    Anyways, I hope that helped. Baby steps at everything. If we look at a challenge as a whole, it’s too overwhelming. But if we just make an effort to do one thing a day, we can still get to the big picture eventually. I hope you feel better. Thinness shouldn’t be about beauty, so I agree with you on the Kelley Clarkson thing. She was beautiful before she lost weight, anyway. And I’m sure you are, too. It needs to be about your health, your longevity, and your quality of life. DON’T embrace self-hatred, darling! Love yourself, whether you’re big, little, or in between. And if you can do it, be healthy! I can tell from reading your blog , and by the twinkle in your eye, that you’re a beautiful person, and that’s what counts anyways.

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