And a journal page in progress

So here’s one in progress. No idea where it will end up, but so far there’s acrylic paint, watercolour crayons, and that silhouette… I haven’t been doing as much in my journal as I was before the surgery because I’m still kind of  – well, crook.  I’m not getting all that much of anything done, even though I am getting more awake hours in the day.   Hopefully the balance will be better as I continue to heal.

In fact, I’ve been being pretty tough on myself: I haven’t been letting myself go back to bed once I’m up in the morning, and I’m tending to be up around 8 am.  This is a whole new pattern for me.

The not-napping has become somewhat problematic, because I really NEED to rest, and for some reason my weird bi-polar brain does NOT WANT ME TO.   I need to be gentle with myself and let myself read on the bed and just rest, but no – somehow there is this RESISTANCE that says I can’t.  It’s not being reasonable, there is no logic – an hour’s sleep would have little or no impact on my nightly sleep hygiene. I tried writing myself a permission slip: the psychologist suggested maybe I need to write a prescription instead: “Rx: Caity, have a little lie down! It will be ok!”

I’m getting back into my pre-surgery bedtime ritual of listening to Phillip as I do the dishes and generally wind down – taking my medicines, maybe painting a background in the journal, or just flicking through magazines for images, making the bed, setting up the CPAP machine.  By the time the 11 o’clock news comes on I’ve generally brushed my teeth, washed my face, and can start to read the very few pages I get through before I zonk out.

The doctors (and various websites I have checked in my anxiety-ridden state) all say that recovery from tonsillectomy takes AT LEAST 4 weeks, and from septoplasty a minimum of 6 weeks – with most people saying they are still recovering out to three months from surgery.  Even though I KNOW I’ve had fairly big surgery in areas with lots of nerve endings, I keep expecting myself to be better NOW.  I’ll say it again: I am NOT a good patient!

In fact, I had to contact the ENT surgeon again because “my nose feels weird (and now my left sinus cavity is hurting, too)” – I’m now on another course of antibiotics.  I burst into tears when I saw my GP this morning: WTF?  I felt like everything – the sore hand, the blocked up breathing, the pain in my leg which wakes me up during the night – all just got on top of me and before I knew it I was sobbing.

If you’ve made it this far you’re probably my Mum (hi Mum!) because anyone else reading has probably left the pity party by now.  But thanks for reading, anyway.

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6 Responses to And a journal page in progress

  1. I’m here!

    Poor you! Bipolar doesn’t have a very ‘accepting’ mind set, does it? It likes to have something to niggle about – or is that just me?

    I love the new page – indeed I adore it just as it is. The silhouette makes it so enigmatic and wistful. Beautiful!

    • Caitlin says:

      Thanks, Jennifer. I’m trying to fight the illogical voice with rational statements. Fingers crossed…
      Tanks, I like using silhouettes too – I’m a huge fan of Dina Wakley’s pages: One of these days I’m going to do a class with her…(online)

  2. Leonie says:

    Hi Caity, I’m here and I read your blog now and again cos girl – you inspire me! Your art work is wonderfully colourful and makes me feel rather inadequate (you rat! LOL)… I dont understand your mental illness but thats ok…. it doesnt keep me from you and I like to think of you as my personal Vincent (of the van Gogh family)… one day, when dearly beloved is up to it, I will come visit and you can share your palate of creativity with me and perhaps, if I am very very lucky, some of it will rub off on me… or pack up your stuff and drive on over this way one Sunday…. I’m here……. hearts to you Lx

  3. I’m not Mum, but I’m still reading:) Caity, you visited my site and since visiting yours, I’ve viewed the video about using toilet paper cones for art and somehow I ended up on a site of a woman named Ali who is a fellow Oregonian — which was really funny to ‘find’ a ‘neighbor’ via someone in Australia!ha!
    Anyway, I’m just reading and browsing (love your silhouette design — saw how that was made on that video,too!) and getting ready to write my own blog post this a.m.
    Hope you are keeping warm!

    • Caitlin says:

      LOL! Thanks for reading, Trishia! I love the way the internet is just a great big link machine!

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